To sharent or not to sharent, that is the REAL question
Why are we always finding ways to shame parents?
There’s a post doing the rounds on Instagram stories at the moment. It’s in response to another story, one of those ‘add your own’ where you join in with a trending topic or theme. It asks people to post a picture of their daughter to celebrate National Daughter Day (which actually isn’t until September apparently but there we go). The story in response to that calls out that request with the words “don’t post a picture of your daughter if you care about her safety or privacy”. Strong words which, I’m not gonna lie, riled me. Is the insinuation then that I, as someone who posted a picture of my child, a bad parent? Do you now presume that I don’t give a hoot about her safety or privacy? Am I being parent-shamed?
‘Sharenting’ is a recently new phenomenon, having grown with the advent and rise in popularity of social media. Gone are the days of posting polaroid pictures to your parents featuring your dribbling little darling, nowadays we have the power to instantly provide visual and live updates, no matter where you are in relation to each other. It refers to the practice of a parent who regularly uses social media to share information about their child, such as photos, videos, personal stories, and other updates about the child’s life. The term ‘sharenting’ was coined by Wall Street Journal writer Steven Leckart in the early 2010s and was included in the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022.
Looking into it, I found some interesting stats:
According to Ofcom, 56% of parents have shared information online about their children. Half say they share photos of their children at least once a month.
It takes just 57.9 minutes after birth for parents to share their newborn’s first photo.
Parents share an average of 300 pictures of their child online every year. The average parent will post 1,500 pictures of their child online before the age of 5.
80% of children have an online presence by the age of two but in many cases the sharing starts even before the baby is born with expectant parents sharing images of their unborn children (AVG Technologies, 2010).
I will admit to finding some of those figures pretty astounding, particularly those around sharing less than 60 minutes after birth. SIXTY MINUTES?! They were still repairing the damage at that point, I definitely did not have the headspace or inclination to get a photo for the ‘gram. But that’s no shade to anyone who chooses to do that. If you have the capacity to update your followers with news on your arrival, you do you. I don’t need to preach about how miraculous and incredible a thing growing and birthing a human is (it’s pretty fucking amazing) so if you want to celebrate that with others and give yourself a digital pat on the back in the form of likes and love heart emojis, why the devil not.
I’m also not totally ignorant to the pitfalls and dangers of social media. I do digital communications for my job; I’ve witnessed vast amounts of vitriol online and been at the receiving end of abuse during my time managing the channels for a London Council (FYI, people get REAL mad when their bins aren’t collected on time). I’m aware of ‘digital kidnapping’ and ‘baby role-play’, whereby strangers steal images of your child, give them a new name, and claim them as their own, creating elaborate storylines about their fake family. And, of course, the even more horrific things that can be done with images of children. I am cognizant of all of that and yet, I still choose to share pictures of my daughter?
Why?
Because I’m bloody proud of this small, perfect thing I grew from scratch over the course of 40 gruelling weeks. And I like the fact she shares my eyes and my partners hair, and that you can see those similarities in pictures.
There is also, of course, the comparison trap to consider. By sharing highlights of our parenting and choosing to hide the less glamorous aspects, are we perpetuating an online culture which makes mums feel bad, or lacking, or not good enough? Quite probably, which is why I don’t filter out the shit stuff.
I’ve found sharing my experiences of the raw early days of motherhood, the isolation and monotony of maternity leave, the joyous milestone moments and the testing toddler tantrums helps me to feel connected with other mothers and my local community. Parenting can be goddam lonely, and being able to celebrate and commiserate the highs and the lows via a silly little photo-sharing platform is quite brilliant, actually.
I try not to share anything which I think could embarrass her when she grows up. I won’t be posting her first attempts at using a potty, or asking Dr. Facebook for clues as to what the rush on her tummy is. I tag the vague location of the area we live, but wouldn’t ever disclose exactly where we are real-time (aka “checking in”). I remove any bot accounts that follow me. I do my best to avoid the pitfalls which could lead to a potential safety issue later down the line.
Will I have the same stance on it forever? Maybe not; I wouldn’t want to say for certain. I might decide to stop posting any content about her at some point; I definitely will ask for her permission to when she’s old enough to understand. And I’ll also use the opportunity to educate her about social media and the pros and cons, because trying to keep the next generation away from it is a fruitless endeavour which will surely only backfire, leading to secret accounts which are completely unregulated by a parent.
I don’t see a problem with sharenting, as long as it’s mindfully done. What I do have a problem with, what really rankles me, is people finding yet ANOTHER reason to judge parents - specifically, mothers. There’s so much shame thrown at mums for one thing or another, do we really need to give them another thing to feel bad about? Equally if people choose not to post photos of their child, then that is their decision and their right, and I respect it wholeheartedly.
We all have the right to parent how we see fit, and that includes what we do or don’t choose to share online with our kids. As long as you are doing so fully aware of the potential risks, and are comfortable with what you’re posting and who’s seeing it, then more power to you. I’ll be liking it.