It’s a well-known fact that pregnancy is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, with pregnant people experiencing a whole spectrum of feelings in the space of just one day (or, as is often the case for me, one hour). One of the most predominant and common of these is anxiety.
From the nail-biting first trimester, during which you are desperately waiting for each day to pass until you reach that euphoric 12 week milestone, to the middle-of-the-night storms of worry that descend out of nowhere and cloud your mind until the sun has risen, it’s near impossible to avoid some anxious feelings while you’re growing a small person. And for someone with a pre-existing anxiety disorder, this was one of the factors of pregnancy which terrified me the most.
From the moment those hallowed two lines appeared on a soggy plastic stick and the initial euphoria had passed, I began to question how the heck my anxiety-riddled mind would cope with this drastic life change and the ensuing panic and chaos. I had already come off my medication during a previous pregnancy and, although I’d been coping well without pharmaceutical support, I worried that without this crutch I’d soon be experiencing the racing heart, numb hands and overwhelming nausea of a panic attack.
Making my mind a priority
With this worry at the forefront of my mind, I made a concerted effort to get ahead of my feelings and employed some tried and tested techniques to kick any incoming anxious feelings to the curb. From starting the day with breathing exercises and visualisations, to getting negative thoughts out of my head and onto paper whenever they started to sneak in, I had a whole armoury of approaches at my disposal. And with someone else to think about other than myself, I put 100% effort into making these methods work.
Previously, I’d sometimes taken a lackadaisical approach to managing my anxiety; there was always something more urgent or interesting I could be doing rather than spending hours self-reflecting. But isn’t it always the way that when there’s someone else to consider, we try that little bit harder? With the old adage about stress you experience going straight into the baby’s brain ringing in my ears, I was determined to keep at it and ensure that I didn’t let anxiety get its claws stuck in.
As the days and weeks ticked by, I waited for the inevitable drop in my mood which signalled the start of a bout of anxiety and, in some cases, its dear friend depression too. But it never came. Yes, I’ve had those moments of panic and worry that are standard for any pregnant person - ‘How am I going to keep a baby alive? Am I going to be able to cope with the pain? What if my favourite jeans never fit me again?’ - but it hasn’t escalated to a point of no return.
Let it go
I think one of the main factors which has contributed towards this is control. As a very stereotypical Virgo (obsessed with order, tidiness and list-making), I have always been determined to retain a sense of control over my life. Even in my lowest mental health moments, I was able to find a spark of joy by keeping some form of structure and routine. But, as any person who has been pregnant will attest to, control is something you have to learn to let go of during pregnancy.
From having limited control over what goes on inside your body, to totally losing control over what happens to the outside of your body, you have to learn to embrace the chaos and accept the unknown. Two things which, as an anxiety-ridden Virgo, I never thought I’d be able to do. But as my bump grows bigger, my anxieties continue to shrink in equal measure. I can only put it down to some sort of innate auto-response, which has enabled my mind to let go of its usual patterns of anxious thinking and instead focus on keeping me as calm and relaxed as possible.
Or maybe it’s just that while being pregnant, I’ve been able to let go of the little daily niggles and worries which used to seem like such a huge deal prior to pregnancy. As you start to acknowledge and understand the miracle of what’s happening inside you, stressing out about whether so-and-so is annoyed at you for not going to drinks with them last Thursday suddenly doesn’t seem as important any more. It’s like letting go of a bunch of balloons; there comes a moment when you let go of all those previous external worries and watch them float into the distance, as you turn your attention inwards.
With just over eight weeks to go until my due date, I acknowledge that there’s still time to go full-blown Anxious Annie, and I imagine there will be more moments in the coming days when I might feel the familiar flutterings of anxiety creeping in. But, having come this far, I’m confident that if those emotions do start to present themselves, I can deal with them. If not, that’s what chocolate was invented for right?
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